MBA anxiety

So i'm getting better. The bouts of sadness seem to have disappeared and life is generally sunny. Not totally sunshine and happiness to be clear but certainly things are improving at a healthy pace.

From where I was a few months ago to today, the path i've walked seems to have been both long and circuitous. But, now i'm fortunate enough to stand on a comfortable look-out point and from this vantage point, survey everything that has come to pass.

Today's a good day to be doing this, this little bit of self-reflection; mainly because I desperately need to take my mind off of the impending sense of doom that comes with the opening of the MBA interview invitation stage. Today is the first day for Harvard interview notifications, today and the next two Wednesdays. So i suppose I shouldn't really be as nervous as I am. But, it very much feels like "today, or bust" - because the majority of invites will go out today. I'll know for sure by the 9th of November; but I think if nothing comes through today, i'm going to start putting together the list of my second round application schools and a new application calendar.

I'm just nervous I guess, more so than I've been in a very long time. I think it would actually be more helpful for me (unlike most people) if I didn't know the dates, just knew that they were going to let you know by the 10th of Nov latest; because then it would have come as a pleasant surprise if I was contacted early.

So, anyways; back to my vantage point ... things seem to be going well -> Work, family, friends ... most everything seems to be ticking along smoothly .. Let's just hope that it lasts and isn't some kind of calm before the storm.

Till next time (probably next Wed) :-)

Reflections on love

This started on one of the countless threads (oddly enough, they seem to have slowed down recently .. wonder where Ned is)

I think i'm starting to get a handle on this whole "love" thing.

Think i'm starting to understand what it means to be me ... think i'm starting to understand what makes me tick, what makes my heart pound.

And right now; i'm beginning to realise, much to Rash's horror .. that, that is all that matters.

Dewdrop was talking about "Criteria" and how they don't matter - and he's right .. As I've grown older, I've realised that none of the criterion matter.

Not sure who was blogging / linking to the posts about illiterate lovers, about lovers who write about lovers with passion; and none of it matters .. nothing matters except the ability to make your heart race. If that doesn't happen, nothing else does.

There are some non-negotiable criteria I guess .. for me at least .. it should be a she to begin with (I briefly toyed with the idea of making this negotiable then decided I wasn't that open minded). But that's about it.
A friend was telling me the other day, about how he fell in love with a Jewish girl. After some time, she converted; then it ended ... and she ended up marrying another muslim guy.
Which goes to show A - that the muslim girl criteria isn't really a good one .. and B - I don't know if I care anymore.
Why should it matter? If two people are compatible, can agree on a method, on a system for running their lives and that of their family; what does it matter? Didn't the prophet marry both Christian and Jewish wives; and they remained Christian and Jewish.

I guess, what i'm trying to say is: "If your heart skips a beat at the sight of him / her then that's it .. Khalaas .. It won't matter if the person is black, pink or green if they're 5 foot tall or 7 .. Because somewhere inside of you; some part of you know. And when you're wondering about criteria and having doubts and second thoughts somewhere inside of you will still know"

And you'll catch site of him/her or see a photo or even just think of the person and all those 2nd thoughts will be whisked away like they don't exist .. Because when your heart skips a beat, the mind is just an innocent bystander watching as the express train of your heart goes by.

Till another time and another place, here's hoping I catch an express train sooner rather than later :-)

Holes in the heart

"There's a hole in the world tonight, don't let there be a hole in the world tomorrow"

That's how things feel right now .. desperately trying to keep it all together.

"There's a cloud of fear and sorrow" -> Can't be more spot on than this.

I think i'm stuck in an Eagles phase, would be nice to get out some time ...

So I haven't written in over 4 months; another year has past .. and I, I am older and perhaps wiser.

More cynical certainly.

There's some good news I suppose; i'm starting to gain more clarity on life .. at least the immediate professional future if nothing else.

Going to be in Abu Dhabi for the next 2 months at least; with a view towards making it a year long stay.

And then .. and then MBA .. and then .. who knows

Clarity, 2 months at a time I guess

And i've forgotten how to write, rusty I guess .. hopefully it's like riding a bike; not something you really forget, just that you need to practice once or twice.

So here's to clarity, and more writing, and a world without a hole

Falling ...

I think, i'm falling for her,

i think, she might be the one.

I'm not perfect .. I don't quite no what to say or do,

sometimes; when i'm with her .. I stammer,

Like a blubbering idiot .. or babble on uncontrollably

I'm not quite sure what it is,

She's pretty - but not the prettiest

She's smart - but not the smartest

She's bubbly - but not frivolous

She's caring - but not the softest

She's stubborn - but not the worst

I'm still not quite sure what it is ..

But, I think she might be the one

Zen

My friend, the zen master of them all the inimitable Zubair Habib inspired me;

A child of the soil,

living, eating and breathing

the air, the minerals and the soil

Living in Jozi, the city of gold;

maybe that's why it's still Egoli,

Maybe that's why it's the city of dreams

the city that drives it's people

leaves the rest of the country wondering what's wrong with us.

We've got the goldbug,

specks of gold; tinged with cyanide coursing through our waterways

entering our bloodstreams, infecting our brains

I wonder what it would take to break free,

to be at ease; to be comfortable with "nothingness"

The concept is so strange, not doing anything

not being, not doing, not searching, not seeking,

Just being .. just sitting still and absorbing ..

One day,

I too would like to be Zen!

Life and the chase

What is it that pursues me, chases; consumes me. That leaves me feeling bereft and alone. I'm not this person, this angst ridden tortured soul; finding solace in the chase.

What does it mean, where does it take me. Why can't I face the truth, what happened to honesty; i'm totally bereft of it.

I wish I knew, wish I understood what tormented me. Why do I feel so alone even when i'm surrounded by people. I'm going no-where here ... that much I can realise!

Let me try to explain, a few weeks ago I was overcome with feelings of sadness; waves of depression almost. i wanted to curl up in a corner and cry.

I don't know why, no idea what caused it; although I have a hypothesis. The only thing that staved it off was that, I was at work; and there just wasn't enough time for me to go and sit in the corner.

I hope it's tiredness; just time catching up with my current frenetic lifestyle. I really pray that's all it is. That's easy to fix; a few days off and good as new!

But I really don't believe that, that it's that easy or simple. It's some form of cognitive dissonance; mind and heart not truly aligned.

There will be a heavy price to pay - soon enough. I just hope that I have a pillar to lean on by the time the wave breaks

Of men and women

I seem to have rediscovered my need to express myself .. possibly inspired by Bb-Aisha .. her debate with Shak on the nature of relationships made me want to throw in my 2 cents worth.

I think I have a different perspective on marriage and relationships; on the roles and responsibilities of a married couple.

My perspective is mainly driven by having grown-up and experienced a household not entirely in-line with the mainstream Muslim experience.

I grew-up in a household where both my parents worked full-time from a very young age. My mum stopped working for two years after having me (the eldest) and then returned to work. When my brothers were born she stopped working for much shorter periods of time, 3 and 2 months respectively.

And to tell you the truth, I think we all turned out pretty fine :-)

The reason this worked was that there was a full-time commitment from both my parents to making this work, to sharing the responsibilities of parenthood and keeping a house as equally as possible.

Now, this is often a concept spoken about by couples, normally in a "we'll both participate .." but quite frankly most of the time one side falls down on their obligation, unfortunately normally the man!

So what does this mean for me, what does this non-traditional experience actually result in. How does this shape my thinking into a slightly less mainstream viewpoint - and what does that viewpoint look like in real life?

For me the concept is clear, that of a true union of equality between parties. In practice, one would expect both parties to be at the same level, both in terms of education, but also drive and desire to succeed.

I would strongly disagree therefore with the idea that a women would need to be "allowed to travel to conferences" indeed the very idea is non-negotiable; of course a women should do the travelling. It forms a part of her duty and responsibility as a breadwinner.

I even more strongly abhor the idea that "(Women) who have had freedom .. should want it post (marriage)". Perhaps my perspective is skewed and I should be appropriately lambasted but for me the idea of The Husband, the king /tyrant who rules over a relationship .. dictating freedoms as he sees fit is completely alien to me. I think it has very little if any place in a modern relationship.

So to be clear, I advocate freedom, absolute freedom for both parties. However, in line with freedoms must come responsibilities. And it is respect for these responsibilities that governs our freedoms and ensures we don't degenerate into anarchy.

In much the same way as an individual can not play loud music at night (disturbing the peace) nor can they sing "kill the Boer" (hate speech) so the freedoms of the couple to pursue their ambitions and objectives both individually and together must be balanced with the rights of others.

Allah says clearly in the Quran "you have right's over them and they have rights over you" (referring to men and women). So your right's or freedoms must be balanced by the rights of other's over you .. namely that of the spouse, the family and the household.

What does this mean practically?

That the couple should as they see fit, divide and delegate responsibilities and obligations in line with the strengths, interests and development goals of both parties. If the wife is a great cook then let her cook and the husband clean. And if the husband wants to learn how to cook, let them both cook together and both clean.

The concept is simple, one of total equity (not equality) between the parties in an attempt to create a relationship, a family and a society that is more just and fair