This is a story that begins somewhere in the mists of time, when early man roamed the Earth. A passing Neanderthal man saw a beautiful Neanderthal women and said "Ugha Ugha" ("I really like you") to which she replied "Grah urgh, gur, allar .. " ("I think I like you, but i'm not sure; my heart says yes, but my head says no. Tell you what, give me some time to think about it and get back to you"). He turned and started walking away, just as he disappeared out of sight she yelled out "ooom ugha ugha" ("I like you too, maybe!"). And so began the Great Confusion; the process whereby innocent men are completely befuddled by the great mystery that is womenkind.
This post is inspired by my recent receipt of a Dear John letter (an sms in this case).
Of course the sms was mindbogglingly stereotypical "You're a great person ... But I have commitment phobia"
I'm sorry, I missed the part where one enters into a relationship with the intention of committing?! And of course it must be my imagination running wild, when I recall the conversations about children and how bringing them up should never be a women's responsibility but rather a shared one.
One would imagine that these types of discussions, especially when initiated by the other party don't exude a sense of commitment phobia but rather almost the other extreme.
One or two friends suggested that the girl was crazy, another even offered up a clinical diagnosis. But I don't think that, it's that simple. Rather I believe it is symptomatic across much of womankind. It would be easy to dismiss if this was an isolated incident, but cast your mind's back gentle readers, and every single one of you will be able to recall something similar.
The most visible symptom of this disease that appears endemic in the female population, is the concept of "blowing hot and cold", erratic behaviour and a general unpredictability. As men I believe, that too often we attempt to treat these symptoms as if they are issues in an of themselves as opposed to having a single root cause. The root cause is the concept of "confusion".
One of the smarter male tweeters described best how most men view relationships "Guys are either we want you or we don't. No maybe". Sure, there are some men, who don't behave in this manner, and the general belief is that, one can not claim to be a "Man" and then behave in this manner.
In contrast, not only do most women behave in this manner, but in general they justify it with totally outlandish statements "It's a women's prerogative to change her mind". Perhaps a few members of the fairer sex would care to enlighten me, and explain how with that type of an attitude and the resultant behaviour it could possibly be men who are more confusing than women?
Apologies for the quality of the post .. insomnia and a sense of guilt for not doing this earlier ..
It was therapeutic though.
Would love to hear what everyone thinks ..
15 comments:
All we ask for is some clarity right? Is that too much to ask for?
attention-seeking behaviour. If it starts with drama, continuation of soap-opera inspired behaviour is virtually inevitable.
kerLAUNCH!
The if's, but's and maybe's should all come way before you decide to go ahead with a relationship. When you say you "in" we guys take it that you already thought things through and not that you will be doing the thinking and deciding while the relationship is in full swing.
maybe this girl was the exception? i dont know wat to say now that youve blogged it. i find the whole female male relationship thing hard to suss out. it doesnt help that im still single. maybe i will be able to do justice to this post once im married, IA.
for now, commitment issues prolly mean "i like you, im just scared of anything more. " and you must remember its all a part of her growing up. one day she will be mature enough to face the consequences.
I know someone who has commitment 'phobia'. It's not that she doesn't want to commit, it's that she feels if she commits to one person, she may lose out on another better person who'll come along.
When girls say 'I like you, but...' it means I like you as a person, but there's no sustained romantic interest.
There'll be affection, & maybe even attraction, but it just won't be enough.
Which can come across as confusing to men.
Women are often accused of thinking with their hearts & not their heads, but when it comes to pre-involvement in romantic liaisons, I think it's the women who allow their heads to dictate, and men who follow their heart.
You captured this perfectly in your opening anecdote. The men are feeling, women are feeling & thinking, & this is confusing to men.
As for men who are confusing to women, I'll write a blog post.
PS: I find my friend's behaviour ridiculous. I always tell her there is only the now, & that it's totally wrong to lead guys on, saying she wants to be with them, but is confused.
So yes, like your object of affection, & this friend of mine, there are women who can be confusing.
But I honestly believe most women are honest, & will give men the clarity Antonio asks for.
There is no understanding this. Clinically its called the spit or swallow conundrum. Basically "they" the women, want someone as a partner. Then you come along. You generally have all the parts they want but somehow you don't fit that image they've cultivated. Its seriously not you though. But they would like for you to carry some of the blame. Because you should know. Anyway crazy nutters aside, not all women are nutters. That's the point, girls are girls and women are women. There is a massive distinction between them. Nothing to do with age. So be glad you are past the crazy. Most women are confused because they don't know how they fit into the world. They want to be traditional yet modern. They want to be part of everyone else and they want to standout.
All we want as men is someone who behaves consistently and predictable.
I think I agree with Organharvester in that there is a huge difference between a girl and woman that has nothing to do with age. I think that if you know who you are, what you want and are content with that your interaction with men and the world is at ease and consistent. There is an increasing number of people ( both male and female) that just have no clue who they are, what they believe in and I also believe that there is an erosion of values and morals that makes people think that behavior like this is acceptable.
It is my perogative to change my mind when I decide that the dress I bought looked much better in the shop. Women like this obviously misunderstood the concept.
This is really simple. She liked you initially. She was even planning something long term. Then something happened... you either pissed her off with something you said or did, or she found someone else who's more interesting... and as a result she changed her mind about the future of your relationship together.
This whole "its-me-not-you" thing is just an excuse because she doesn't want to hurt your feelings (not because she's overly concerned about your feelings - but because she doesn't want to carry the guilt of having 'hurt' you). It really is as simple as that.
You should know by now, 99% of Indians can't be honest. They will throw comments into the air and expect you to get a hint. They are fucking cowards and can't come out and say what they think and feel to your face, like normal people.
& I'm betting she was throwing out comments and hints before the "Dear John" scenario...maybe you just weren't paying attention...think back carefully, there must have been signs.
Using the "its-me-not-you" excuse is not exclusive to women, in fact it was pioneered by men so that they don't have to deal with the drama and guilt that unfolds afterwards.
She's obviously immature, conniving, manipulative and uses her pathological lying gene to its full capacity. Look at it this way, she did you a favour and you're better off for it.
You're Welcome.
nI told you so's aside.
Azra's right. There were signs before the Dear John came along.
You didn't take them for the hints that they were. Probably because you really wanted it to work. Sometimes it doesn't and that's okay.
I'm still uncomfortable with the "this is what women do BECAUSE they are women" and vice versa for men. People are people, just with different levels of maturity and ability to handle themselves as human beings.
@Samina... "I'm still uncomfortable with the 'this is what women do BECAUSE they are women' and vice versa for men. People are people, just with different levels of maturity and ability to handle themselves as human beings."
I couldn't have said it better myself ;)
*bows*
:)
Thanks for your thoughts guys. I really appreciated the thoughts and insights.
Particularly liked the point about girls being different from women and that age had nothing to do with the difference.
I think it's a 100% valid in this case. One would like to assume that a grown-up person of 24 should have reached that tipping point of maturity but clearly not.
Interestingly enough I had a conversation today with someone who know's her pretty well and his comment that it doesn't surprise him at all; her natural response to difficulty or complication of any kind is to run away from it.
Oh well, time to move on I think. Enough time dwelling on the past.
There's a whole wide world out there and I'm going exploring :-)
this is all being a little over-analysed,
male-female relationships whether intimate or platonic or whatever are not really that difficult.
the easiest way to deal with it is that instead of treating a person as a male of female try instead to treat them as human. a revolutionary idea for Muslims I know but it has it's benefits.
in regards to this specific situation...
she changed her mind. people do that. don't stress over it. I'm sure you liked her and had somethign invested in it, but really this is just a learning experience so that in future you maybe keeps things platonic and judge silently for a while before making any explicit declaration of your intentions.
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