What does it mean, where does it take me. Why can't I face the truth, what happened to honesty; i'm totally bereft of it.
I wish I knew, wish I understood what tormented me. Why do I feel so alone even when i'm surrounded by people. I'm going no-where here ... that much I can realise!
Let me try to explain, a few weeks ago I was overcome with feelings of sadness; waves of depression almost. i wanted to curl up in a corner and cry.
I don't know why, no idea what caused it; although I have a hypothesis. The only thing that staved it off was that, I was at work; and there just wasn't enough time for me to go and sit in the corner.
I hope it's tiredness; just time catching up with my current frenetic lifestyle. I really pray that's all it is. That's easy to fix; a few days off and good as new!
But I really don't believe that, that it's that easy or simple. It's some form of cognitive dissonance; mind and heart not truly aligned.
There will be a heavy price to pay - soon enough. I just hope that I have a pillar to lean on by the time the wave breaks
5 comments:
My sister says she'll be your pillar. Serious.
WHat you need is less socialising. I told you you would understand someday.haha! -zh
if its any consolation i can empathise and many more i know have also gone through and continue to go through this state of mind.
It's part of growing up. Experienced it a good few times in my younger days. I think moments like these are healthy.
I recall when I first read Irshaad V's blog, the post which I most empathised with spoke of being surrounded by people but feeling lonely.
Qalam alludes to this in his comment.
There's value in solitude.
Last year, 4 months into my stay in Egypt, I was chatting to a close friend on gtalk. We both missed each other a lot. She told me about plans for the weekend with our larger group of friends & I wanted to be there. I started crying & felt incredibly lonely. But just the weekend before, I'd entertained a huge group of people at my place, & was regularly out with friends.
But something was missing.
I had to extend my 6 month ticket, so when my friend said she wished I could come home, I spontaneously decided to go home & buy a new return ticket. She was thrilled, & we decided I'd surprise my family.
That week was one of my best weeks, & when I returned to Egypt, I appreciated my life & friends there.
I needed that breakdown to re-evaluate & re-connect.
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